Falling In Love With Humans

Welcome to your week weekly recap call. I’m going to give you a nice summary with all the best parts of the coaching calls over this week or over the last few days.

I would say, feel free to take notes or absorb it. And after the recap, I’ll open it up as usual, and we can chat. Or if you are driving or off to things.

I know this is an experimental evening time, when I open it up, feel free to be real about what’s coming up for you, and we’ll coach through it, all the other coaching calls, where you need support, on places where you want to make new decisions, where you want to take new actions for your life and go in a new direction. This week was all about falling in love with humans, either again for some of us, or more for some of us, or in a new way for some of us, which originally brought out all of the reasons we didn’t love humans, right? Even if we’re nice people, and we do love people, and we’re coaches and we’re counselors and we’re mentors, it’s still easy to have a human brain that gives you thoughts , I hate people.

I don’t people very much. They’re not they used to be. I used to make friends much easier.

It used to be much lighter in my life. I’ve been burned many times I now I have to protect myself more. I’m too tired to care much anymore.

Or generally, I don’t the political landscape, or I don’t the this or that. I don’t how it’s going. Now we turn into grandmas and grandpas and crotchety old people in our minds, if we’re not careful, right?

My favorite one is when I hear what’s wrong with people. That is something that can come up in our brains, and that’s okay. That means we have human brains.

this week, I offered you two very powerful stories or images to start to see how this might really be fully in your life all the time. Some of you have heard of this book by Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements. It was popular a couple decades ago.

I think that’s when I read it, and I hope it’s still popular today. But one of the main stories that stuck with me, that I offered you all is pretending you’re on a trip and you’re in a foreign planet. And when you get to this planet, all the aliens on this planet look exactly human beings, except for they have wounds all over their body, external wounds, gashes, cuts, open wounds, oozing things.

And all of this planet looks exactly Earth. you almost think that you’re on Earth. The difference is you don’t have any wounds, and everybody else there has wounds, and you’re observing them, and you’re seeing them.

Try not to get too close to each other, try not to brush up against each other, try not to even have their skin touch their clothes too much. They’re all being very tender and careful with each other that they don’t have to feel the pain of their wounds that they don’t even realize they have. And I asked you to go into your mind and go, How would you be with these people?

Would you be caring of them? Would you try to cheer them up? Would you try to tell them about their wounds and help heal their wounds?

And how would that scenario change for you if you were also on this planet, and you had all these wounds, and you knew you had wounds, and you knew they had wounds, and everybody was trying to be careful. Would you be kinder to them? But still have to protect yourself.

You can see where I’m going with this, because I think this is not alien. This is what happens. We have these inner wounds that we don’t even know we have, and we form layers around ourselves to protect them.

I also gave you this other image to draw in your journals, or I drew you a little picture too. I said, First draw a heart and let that heart in your journal, or in your mental journal, symbolize your own inner wound, your tenderness, your vulnerability and your innocence. And think about if someone comes and hurts you or tries to hurt that wound, or did when you were a child, what was the first and even now?

What’s your first layer of protection? Do you get away from people and isolate? Do you yell?

Do you get maybe a little bit humorous? Do you talk too much what happens? And maybe it’s not one thing, but a couple of ways that you try, maybe you get really smart and try to figure things out first, or maybe you become the class clown or something and divert attention away from your wounds.

A lot of times, we have multiple layers, patterns, strategies that we put into place to protect ourselves and stay safe and protected, and they might have been good for us when we put them in place in the first place, we might have been feeling we were getting harmed, and we might have been getting. we put these layers in place. But usually the problem is, is that there’s many layers put into place by the time we are in 1213, years old, around seventh, eighth grade, we got some strategies to protect ourselves, which means for some of us, we’ve had a bunch of decades now repeating these patterns and these safety strategies when we’re not unsafe, but they are natural, habitual things for us to do.

And we think of them as who we are and part of our personality. And we say things , oh, that’s who I am. But here’s one of the big takeaways from this week, personality and getting to know other people’s personalities, in a way, it has this way of freezing us in this safe way of being, safe patterned ways of being.

what we all are saying when we say this is who I am, we’re saying this is who I’ve been, or this is who I’ve learned to become. It’s easy to forget then that who you are is less important than who you want to be and who you want to become. I want to be clear that keeping yourself safe and alive and out of harm’s way is not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about when these layers aren’t serving us anymore, because we’re not in danger, and they’re invisible and sticky that we think they’re who we are. changing these layers, changing these parts of our personality, changing who we are, that we can become who we want to be that’s the most powerful thing we can do. And make no mistake, my friends, you can absolutely become whoever you want to become.

Tuesdays, as usually we did it, big picture, more creative and spiritually. Wednesdays, we took the next step in bringing it into our life and looking at how it shows up in our life and Thursdays today, this morning, we started to think about what actions are we gonna implement in our life this week, little, minute decisions that we’re gonna make, that are gonna bring up feelings. They’re gonna touch our core wounds and tendernesses and innocent places.

But those three creative spiritual bring it into our life, and then bringing it into our action and our businesses and our creative pursuits. Perfect Trinity. And for some of us, we brought up a lot of those layers are hard to see and stay safety strategies we’re really addicted to.

We’re really committed to. I also offered you all five most common protective human strategies, human layers, based on a guy named Steven Kessler’s work. You can go check him out.

He wrote a book , I think it’s called, , the five personality types, or something that, one of those typical things, but I borrowed some typical ones that I know show up in my life, and I renamed Steven Kessler’s patterns. What happens in my head when I’m employing one of the strategies? I’ll give them to you really quickly here as part of the recap, in case you missed it, or in case you’re getting used to this, when you’re feeling triggered, when you’re feeling touched, when you’re feeling nervous, when that inner, vulnerable part is coming up.

One of the layers that can show up, I call it the peace out pattern. Kessler called it the leaving pattern. It’s the one that formed when, especially as a child, you couldn’t physically escape a stressful situation or a harmful or distressful thing.

you learned to peace out mentally and energetically. Now in your personality, you might say, Oh, I zone out a lot, or I get confused, or I don’t get what’s going on here. That can be a way that you think, Oh, I’m oblivious or something, but it could be related to that I’m out I don’t even want to feel what I’m feeling.

And it can cause problems with boundaries, or noticing boundaries, or holding your own boundaries. But it can also positively be showing up in your life, because you’re a visionary and you’re able to have a strong connection with a bigger world, or your creativity or a spirituality. it’s not all bad, but it’s something to start looking at your layers.

Another layer we looked at was what I call the clingy pattern, or the static cling static cling pattern, where Kessler called it the merging pattern. This is the one where, as a child and even now, you find safety through connecting with others. Maybe you really get going talking, and you really want to connect, or you really look to others for your safety, and you reach out.

You reach out because you don’t feel you can meet your own needs and resource. Your own safety in personality terms, you might be saying things , I love my community. I need my community, or I’m super caring, or I’m super attuned to other people’s needs, but it might negatively be affecting you if you’ve lost or causing or if it’s causing issues with your ability to self resource might be positive in your world because you’re super compassionate and naturally nurturing, but that fine line between nurturing over resourcing your own safety and meeting your own needs?

Another pattern, number three, I talked to you about I call it my head when I’m in triggered mode. I call it the bro pattern as soon as I can see, Kessler called it the enduring pattern. But this one is what happens when you’re enduring pain, and instead of speaking up or saying what’s going on or resourcing your own safety, you pull your energy in and stuff it down.

You suppress you learn to hide your authentic expression that you could avoid conflict or avoid rejection, or even avoid saying what your truth is. But in personality terms, you might think of yourself as strong when you’re suppressing or you might think of yourself as resilient when you’re really avoiding dealing with feeling angry or resentful. it might be causing negative effects in your life, because you’re not dealing with that resentment and you’re feeling that resentment, but you might also have it positively be showing up for you, because you feel very grounded, very steady.

You’re able to hold space for others, and that’s a good thing. Another pattern we talked about was the aggressive pattern. I call it the aggro pattern in my head, when I’m doing it, or when you’re doing it, might show up as something’s happening, something’s touching you and your wounds or your innocences, and you push your energy outward, you yell, you fight, you dominate.

You get really big in order to feel safe. In personality terms, you might say, I’m really determined, I’m really energized, I’m really out there, but it could be negatively affecting your ability to be with your own vulnerability, or to find the places and the people that you can share your own vulnerability consistently and safely. it also might mean you’re , but I’m a leader, and I take positive action, and I’m able to get big when I need to get big, not a problem when it’s a thing that’s going for you good.

I’m talking about when it’s not serving you. And the last pattern I said that might be helpful to look at case it’s too sticky and you can’t see it is the rigid pattern. I call this one calm, cool and collected, or ice cold.

what this one forms when you learn to control yourself and your environment, you find safety in rules, following the rules, striving for protection through perfection, because that gets you love and approval, or you think it does, might show up as you being really organized, I said. You might be , I’m a perfectionist, perfectionist. That’s who I am, but how it negatively affects you is by causing issues with you feeling disconnected to your inner, messy, gooey, non perfect self.

On the outside though you might be , I have amazing focus. I’m really good with structure. I’m great at school.

I love creating harmony in systems, you can see they’re not all bad. And this nuanced work is in seeing where they’re not serving you when they show up. And instead of replacing them with another strategy or pattern, we we’re really going into being with them, observing them this week, and starting to heal the wounds that they are protecting by being with yourself.

y’all know that in the club, we do that by learning to process through our emotion. We maybe didn’t learn that anywhere growing up, we learn about becoming an emotional adult, what it means to speak truth, hold your own space and speak into the world, making new decisions, getting coached through these things. I won’t go into it too much, because I want to talk with you guys, but I offered you some different strategies around use it or lose it, some secret ways that I go straight to someone’s innocence by asking questions and learning about their layers as a way of realizing my innocence and their innocence, because when you seek to understand someone else and ask questions that can be incredibly healing to both of you, and I also offered you that putting people in place, getting your booty into the club.

I talked with a woman today who is in the club, but she hasn’t been to any meetings because she is. Going through much depression and anxiety and fear that she can’t get up in the mornings, she can’t figure out her schedule right now, it’s amazing when these layers keep you from the support. one of the things I said is to an offering to you all this week was put people in your life regularly that are will help you see your protective layers.

by getting on a private call, I think she was , Oh, this is what it’s . We’re talking that’s what it’s . You can get up in the morning for it.

I think one of you here is , I will be we may be willing to get up in the morning. This is going to fuel me in a good way. we also rounded up the week with how to implement this in our daily life, and we decided we’re going to go gently this week.

We’re not going to go blazing into the world and be no more layers, I tell everybody all my vulnerabilities, because right now, it’s still knowledge in our head and making its way into our being, and by putting it into our lived experience. That’s the process of building wisdom, our own empirical evidence becoming wisdom. my wise, capable friends, that’s what we’re doing this week.

I gave you a little scaffolding to hold on to go watch the Thursday morning call. We did a little meditation, and I gave you some steps to look at how to come into your life and meet human beings with no agenda, no agenda to sell yet, no agenda to get them into your program or your band or your choir or your your idea, because as a creative, sensitive, spiritual, driven person. I bet you have ideas, and you need to get people to get on board with you.

I can relate. Sometimes, it’s even going to help them or help someone else if they come on board. But we have to remember relating to human beings with no agenda, that we can see the layers.

Because when we had that agenda, we learned from some of you wise club folk this week, those layers come up real fast. I gave you a little image of be a dog or a baby in the good, happy way. Go.

Watch that. We had some funny stories around that, but you probably know dogs, they will run up to anybody and get some pets and get some licks and be happy with anybody. No layers.

Now. Do they still have instinct? If they’re unsafe?

Do they back up? Do they bark? Do they know?

They know when they see it sends evil you will too. Not talking about that. I’m talking about when you are safe, you could be a dog and be the first one to wave and smile until someone goes, oh my god, I think that crazy lady is waving at me.

Yeah, hi. I’m a dog. Or I gave you the story of one of my colleagues, or my tech team guy.

He has a baby who happens to happen to go up in a restaurant as he was following her around and grab the butt of a woman, under the skirt and everything. And when the woman turned around and she saw the man who was following his baby, and not the baby. Right away, she had all the layers up until he went, No, no, I didn’t get my toddler in time.

It was not me, and still it’s wrong, but I’m sorry. I didn’t catch her. And then when she saw the baby, layers dissolved, and she went, Oh, it’s a baby, and it’s how are you?

I totally understand. we can change fast, especially when we have awareness of what’s happening. All right?

That was a fast recap. I’m proud that it is only 20 minutes long, and with that, I will hit pause on the recording and we can hear what’s coming up for you. We have time, or we can call it if you all need to go out to your your lives right now.
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