Congruence & Gentle, Honest Discipline

Hello, good evening. Welcome to the weekly recap club for the club that was made by highly sensitive, highly driven, highly intelligent creatives that are building businesses and lives on their own terms.

For you, highly sensitive, highly driven, highly intelligent creatives out there, welcome to your club recap. Call I love you. This week, we were diving into something that I call congruency.

And let me let some of you in as we get there and get my everything straight. Here. Welcome, welcome.

We are getting started, and I’m telling you that this week we are recapping congruence. And I would say it’s more important than confidence, equal to self confidence, but congruence is what we’re all about. Now tonight, I’m going to give you some lists of things we talked about, much good stuff this week, I don’t want you to try.

You don’t have to rewrite it. This replay is available to you forever. let it wash over you a bedtime story.

And the reason we’re starting up with congruence is next week, I wanted to introduce to you something that a coach taught to me called the four steps of unconscious influence. And whether you’re working with your kids or you’re doing sales and marketing in your business, the four steps of unconscious influence are very wonderful for you to know, because when you’re working with another human brain or your own, it’s going through steps. Wires are getting changed, furniture is getting rearranged before we say yes to something, or before we buy something, or before we change something.

And the first step is massively beautiful, it’s worth taking a whole week to dive deep. It’s called congruence. Our working definition this week of congruence is alignment between you and all the parts of you, even the conflicting parts, to grow your capacity large enough to be in congruence with all of them, and have that be in alignment with your words, your actions and your emotions, when those all line up, picture a triangle over here, in the same size triangle over there, and they line up and then, now they’re one triangle.

That’s congruence in geometry. That’s what I’m talking about in your spirit, body and mind, and they all match what you’re doing, and it all matches your self concept. We feel more at ease around people who are self congruent because we sense authenticity and predictability, and we have evolved to see authenticity and predictability as safety.

And we’re wired to sense even subtle incongruence. We instinctively smell it and distrust it. if you’re having trouble with your kids or your partners or your sales or even yourself, it might be worth spending a little time in a higher conversation here with me, making some decisions and getting your eyes on congruence in you, inside you and inside your world.

Y’all know who Stephen Covey is. We talked to, we used his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, in which he said he summed up congruence when he said intrinsic security. Intrinsic Security does not come from what other people think of us or how they treat us.

It doesn’t come from our circumstances or our positions. It comes from within. It comes from accurate paradigms and correct principles deep in our own mind and heart.

It comes from inside out congruence, from living a life of integrity in which our daily habits reflect our deepest values. Doesn’t matter what people around us are doing. Many people say consistency is king, especially if you’re in the social media world, consistency is king.

Or some people out there in the sales and marketing world say cash is king. That’s how if you’re doing well. But I would you to consider that whoever’s King, whoever you decide, is king, that congruence is queen.

And we see examples, I said, of incongruence, and we tend to protect ourselves from them and avoid being incongruent ourselves. But there’s definitely a difference between intentional incongruence and unintentional incongruence, right? Of course, there’s deliberately misleading people about something for your own benefit, but more commonly, especially for highly sensitive, highly driven, highly intelligent people who are trying to help out there in the world.

More commonly, it’s an accidental saying or doing something that your heart’s not really in, or you’re doing what you think you should do, or you’re supposed to do because other people are but make, make no mistake, my friends, incongruence is the poison that cancels out all that hard work, good intentions and even your right actions. You. When something isn’t working in your life, in your parenting, in your pricings, in being polite and looking professional, and you start asking the questions I must start giving you about congruence.

It usually turns out that you were doing something you didn’t even want to be doing, or doing it in a way you thought you were supposed to. And as you would start getting expert on uncovering that and knowing what you want to do to get back on track. Who is such a relief?

You all. If incongruence worked, I might be tempted to say, do incongruent for a little while, until you can become what you want to become, and feel the discomfort and do it. But it doesn’t work.

It never works. And even if it works, it feels awful and manipulative. This is why we have developed a natural aversion to stereotypical sales people.

We’re turned off by that insincerity, because it’s a form of inconsistency and incongruence. I told a story this week about a $25,000 mistake I made because I was manipulated and sold in a way and and it sounds very victimy, what I’m saying here, I wasn’t able to see afterwards the wholeness and really own it. But at the time, I did feel a victim.

I felt I had to make the decision to spend that money. now I’m very glad for it, because everything I learned from it, everything I saw, everything that came out of it, who I became from doing that was entirely worth it. But I also saw that I will never be in high pressure sales.

I will never be shoving down a program in something, in someone who feels they’re in urgency and scarcity and lack and fear. And I know how to smell when it’s a wrong coach for me instantly now, I want to paraphrase someone named Carl Rogers, for those of you who know, he invented human centered therapy, or client centered centered therapy, and he said, The Curious paradox is that when you accept yourself as you are, then you can change. Carl showed the world an approach to psychotherapy that was based on the belief that humans have an innate drive in them towards positivity, positive psychological functioning.

He helped us with this term self actualization, because he believed that people across the board, genuinely someone in there, are always wanting to be the best versions of themselves. He believed that clients and humans are the expert of their lives, and they should be the ones that are it giving the direction of their healing. Now this isn’t to say, Go, don’t listen to doctors or therapists do.

But I hope those doctors and therapists are also including your wisdom and your inclination towards your whole self, towards your highest good. What if you believe this about your partner? What if you believe this about your kids?

What if you believe this about your future clients that they were striving always for what they thought was their highest good. take a moment and let that invisible swirl in your brain of everything that’s happening from what I said, and give it some legs. If you got a journal, speak it out loud whatever you got to do, and write down or think about if you were acting in congruence with yourself, and a belief that the people in your life were also moving towards, maybe not as fast as you’d them, but that they want to move towards congruence as well, that they’re the expert in their life and you’re the expert in your inner life.

What would you say differently to your kids. Say it out loud. Some of the things that came back this week are, what do you think is best?

Can you imagine asking your kids what they think is best? Not because you’re going to do exactly what they think, but because you’re allowing them the opportunity to say what is in their highest good? What do you want to try?

How can I support you? Well, let’s try your idea. It’s worth a try.

What else is important? What’s even more important than at that to you? What would you say to your partner?

Take a moment right now. Think about it. Would it be something , well, I might not it, but I support you.

Would it be a simple, okay, where normally you’d say, I don’t it. Don’t do that. I need you to do this.

What if you say, Okay, you do you. Maybe you’d say, sounds this is really important to you, honey, and that’s it. What would you say to your customers, present or in the future?

Say it to them. Now. Maybe you’d say, tell me your thoughts.

Maybe you’d say, I don’t know what you need. Tell me what you think you need, and I’ll get to work designing how I can help you do it. You might ask them what’s most important to them, and tell them that you were there to support them.

We can debate all day about the exam. Examples that prove individuals have also inclination towards wrong self actualization. But what matters is what you believe, what you value, and what you do for yourself and about it when you align with the belief that your clients, your people, your spouses, your kids, that they want to move towards self actualization.

When you see that your kids want to feel better and do better, when you see that your partner wants ultimate evolution towards their highest good, I want to offer you a little checklist to move through when you’re having trouble as you start seeing these things, a way to check in with some of your inner parts as you expand your capacity to live congruently. This is the part where I’m gonna say a lot to you, and you’re gonna let it wash over you, and what sticks. Sticks, leave the rest for now.

Congruency checklist for you. Ask yourself when you’re feeling off, when you’re feeling out, am I coming from who I really am? Am I coming from enoughness versus trying to solve that I’m worthy right now?

Or as long as I do more and do better than I’ll be enough? Am I trusting my body now that does mean knowing the difference between discomfort because you’re growing and discomfort because your body is saying, Hold on. Intuition says, Stop.

Am I coming from as honest a place as I Can Am I acting from my values? Am I acknowledging what feels great and what feels right. Am I benevolently turning away?

Benevolently turning away from what is not congruent? Am I saying no, even though it’s painful, because I’m turning towards congruence. Am I caring for myself too, , as in, also and first?

Am I caring for myself to and first and am I being my own advocate and cheerleader? Those were some of the checkpoints. Let them wash over you.

We also talked about how when it comes to congruence and persuasion, advising someone all the way through to completion towards good time and money management come after values money management. Time and money management comes after values management. what do by this, whether you’re a mom, a volunteer, a party planner or a business owner, whatever you’re up to.

You are, in some way, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Don’t shoot the messenger. You are the head of your sales and marketing department.

Take it on. Accept the role. You’re the head of your own sales and marketing department.

Sales being defined here as service, being of service and marketing being defined as messaging that helps people sales and marketing. If you’re highly sensitive, highly driven and creative, you are selling and marketing all day long, time and money tend to be a ledger based trade off conversation. You have to choose this or that you can do this with your time or that with your time.

That’s a cool limitation. I know it doesn’t always feel cool, but it’s a true limitation, and it has made great things happen because we invent things due to limitations. But values is not a ledger based conversation.

It is a both and conversation. You can hold opposites at the same time, different parts of you can value different things, and you can be a whole human and see what the values are before meeting your people, if you are whoever it is, before speaking a word with your people, if you’re congruent with all the parts of yourself and you feel aligned with your with a value that you’re offering, the service you’re offering, the price of what you’re offering, it’s much different. You speak freely and honestly and straightforwardly, because you don’t feel you have to distort or exaggerate or hide or convince or manipulate if you genuinely love this chocolate and you want to share it, that’s a very different sharing than if you think you should share that chocolate, or it’s a medicinal chocolate that you want your kid to eat, or whatever the case.

Is very different vibe that comes from you. You show up from a genuine spirit of service, because you are already whole and sufficient on the inside. manipulation, there’s no need.

People sense that. Kids sense that. I told a couple stories about how I went from incongruence to congruence using.

That beautiful mantra, if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. And I started applying it in shopping, whether it was for clothes or anything, because I also had in my house decluttering exercises of picking it up. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Marie Kondo style, but simplified, I would even ask sentences that I really wanted to say or text I really wanted to send if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no foods that were going into my mouth. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. And what values did I need to decide that meant hell yes?

I also offered you a little congruency quiz, again, no need to write down, because this is the recap. I’m going fast. Let this wash over you and what sticks?

Sticks? How often are you doing what you love? I think out this week, we did it on a scale of one to 10.

How often are you doing what you love? That’s it. Ask yourself that how often scale of one to 10 are you doing what you love?

Might surprise you. You might be right on track. Quiz question number two out of one to 10, how often do you dare to decide exactly what you want, whether you’re going to get it or not, whether you’re going to even go for it, allowing yourself to declare and decide that’s what I want, that’s my truth.

I want that unapologetically, that’s what I desire. Question number three in your quiz, one to 10, do your how often do you back your goals with unstoppable perseverance? Oh, it didn’t work.

I’ll try a different way. Oh, you didn’t what I had to say there. Let me think of a different way to say it.

Oh, this was a mess. This is a shit show. Let me see where I can clean it up and come back tomorrow.

Number four, are you committed? How committed are you to lifelong learning? If you think you’re failing, not really a problem, because you’ll think, well, I’ll learn a different way, or I’ll keep going back in and learn another way.

Number five, how often do you use your values and your time the way you consciously want to? Could be hard to swallow. Sometimes to be , I went through a whole day and I don’t even know if I took a breath I had to make on the hour, breathing reminders for a while for myself.

And every time that top of the hour alarm went off and it said breathe on my phone. I literally was , oh my god, I did not think about it since the last breath. Had no idea.

Okay, question number six, how often are you with your teachers, your guides, your coaches, your mentors? People are showing up in the club daily because we start to recognize this conversation is not happening out elsewhere, and it needs to. It would change the world if it did.

Question number seven, what’s the number one thing that matters most to you? I’m not saying you get it all the time. I’m saying, what it is?

What is your obsession? What are you put on this earth for? What matters most to you?

Do it scale of one to 10? Number eight. How much do you trust and use your innate creativity?

Now you might be , I’m not that creative. I would put that down on a one or two then, but maybe you’re getting in touch with , I’m creating all the time, even when I’m creating, I hate this situation. I’m creating, I hate this situation.

How much do you trust and use your innate creativity? Number nine, are you right now treating others, whether you’re with them or not in your own head? Are you treating them how you want them to treat you now?

One of the number one things that comes up in coaching, sometimes, some number one, sometimes, my little caveat there is this, I can do the thing, but I don’t want other people out there thinking the wrong thing about me, and I may never know that they’re thinking the wrong thing about me, and that stops us thinking that someone else might be thinking something wrong about us that we won’t be able to clean up. what in your head are you thinking about others that they’re never gonna be able to clean up? Are you giving them the benefit of the doubt?

Are you treating them the way you want to be treated? It’s deep and wide, my friends, at the same time. Last question for your one out of 10 Quiz, How often do you show up first and expect success?

And I do mean that expecting success because it’s okay if your hopes are dashed, if you don’t get success. But how often do you show up as if it’s going to happen? You show up for it and you expect success.

Success. Second, all right, lastly, we’re rounding into home plate here. Congruence work can be the most important, sacred and powerful work you can do, I said, for your family, your business yourself, but in the beginning, when it’s feeling slippery and challenging, I want to offer you this final gift you can employ what I call gentle, honest discipline.

You. We had the perfect example come up in the club this week when one of the members said a tiny little sentence. And the tiny little sentences happen all the time, and we blow right by them.

If we’re not careful, it’s easy to pass over them. We think them all the time in our head. She said she was moving towards gentleness.

She liked the idea of gentleness more ease, more relaxation and gentle, honest discipline felt interesting to her, but she said, gentle feels a lot complacency. already in her she had an incongruent she doesn’t want to be complacent. She does want to be gentle.

And there seemed to be a conflict. I get it for us, creatives are highly sensitive. Our highly intelligent brains can make things we sniff out in congruence, a shark can detect a drop of blood in the ocean, right , even if it’s a little complacency matched with a lot of gentleness, we go, Wait, I got I gotta handle that right there.

whether we’re tapping into deep wisdom or strength or relaxation or rest or ease or spaciousness, even happiness, if we detect laziness or complacency or judgment or doubt or avoidance, it’s very tempting for us to pounce on that and get to work fixing it. That’s when you need to remember and even rehearse employing gentle, honest discipline. And this is what .

You can find evidence for your brain that doesn’t want to change, and I’m gonna talk about that in a second, and offer your brain new evidence on purpose to help it go in the direction that you want to go for congruence. Why would you want to do this? Because gentle, honest discipline is the ace card against the motivational triad.

And if you don’t know what that is, let me tell you, it’s the human brains, yours minds, everyone , we have evolved as humans to have three things that the brain is always, always, always, did I mention always trying to do, seek pleasure, avoid pain, conserve energy. Seek pleasure, avoid pain. Conserve those calories.

And it doesn’t happen usually in that order, it is, avoid pain, avoid pain, avoid pain, avoid pain, conserve energy, conserve energy, conserve energy, seek pleasure. We are more inclined to avoid pain because that’s what keeps us alive good, than we are to say seek pleasure. We’re more inclined to conserve our calories than we are to seek pleasure.

Why? Because seeking pleasure seeking means we’re going to go out of the cave. We probably have to go out of our comfort zone, even if that’s to seek shelter or food or warmth or sex and love that we can procreate our species and always to our brains that’s working on this motivational triad, going out and growing and trying is more dangerous than staying in the cave.

Staying safe by staying the same, changing even for our highest good, is riskier than staying the same. Except now that worked when we were a long time ago and going out of the cave really was dangerous. Now it’s not that dangerous.

It’s not as dangerous. I’m not saying don’t keep yourself safe. Caveat always for Don’t get yourself in harm’s way.

But if we leave our house, if we try new things, if we speak up for ourselves, we will still have the body sensations of out there and red alert and fight or flight. But it’s much different. Now we’re not our safety is not going to be in jeopardy most of the time.

There’s not that much that’s going to kill us or even really harm us, and we get into this invisible terrorism with our imagination of what could happen and all the what ifs kill all of the things that we want to do, because that motivational triad is operating always the same, at the same all the time. even when you do have the warmth, even when you do have enough nourishment, even when you do have love and companionship, but your brain is looping in the triad and giving you all the evidence of not today, let’s do it tomorrow, giving it the gentle, honest ways and being disciplined to keep showing it that it’s safe to go in the direction of change. You can show your brain it is also safe to do the new things that bring you pleasure, that do the things to bring you into your highest, most vibrant self.

if you’re thinking about taking that trip, but it’s away from your sweetie, and you’ve got all the worries, and you’d rather keep it the same, but there’s something that’s calling you to grow, that’s when you offer gentle, honest discipline to show it other times in your life, other examples that you have tried growing. And it worked out great. You have tried growing and it worked out badly at first, and then you learn something.

as a final little parting offer gift, this week, I made you a cute little nursery rhyme quiz. Or not quiz, sorry, , nursery rhyme, period. Cute little nursery rhyme.

You can make it into a song. You can listen to the replay. It’s a little cheesy, and that’s why I it when fear still lingers, even though you’re safe.

Let gentle, honest discipline take its place. She’ll help you slow instead of completely pause. She’ll help you take baby steps and not stop because.

And when you’re tempted to call it quits, she’ll help you double down and persist. I don’t know if my iambic pentameter is proper there. I’ll tell it to you one more time when fear still lingers, though you’re safe, let gentle, honest discipline take its place.

She’ll help you slow instead of completely pause. She’ll help you take baby steps and not stop because and when you’re tempted to call it quits, she’ll help you double down and persist. that is what we talked about this week in the club congruence and gentle, honest discipline.

We have different words. Sometimes it’s generous discipline. I want to spell even gentle, honest.

I want to spell honest wrong. I want to make it an O, it can be a little God acronym, gentle, honest discipline, but that would require some misspelling, and I don’t know if my psyche can take that. Okay.

It’s been a pleasure. I love you all, and I’ll see you next week on the recap of the club bye.