Over-Responsibility

Welcome. Welcome.

Here we are at our recap of the whole week call, and we have been talking not this week but all month, about what’s really happening when you’re connecting with another human. And we were bringing the conversation to a close this week with this mission critical piece, I think you’re gonna it. You ready?

The sneakiest cause of underperforming or under producing or getting all overwhelmed and tired and weary is be being over responsible for the wrong things. Has anyone ever talk to you about being over responsible? Now, we usually see this continuum of over responsible, and we go, okay, fine, forget it.

Let’s go on vacation and do nothing and be under responsible. But this, this week, we talked about this beautiful sweet spot called self responsible, this neutral place, and what that really meant. first, I want to give you a quick recap of what I meant and maybe what the world means sometimes by responsibility.

If you’re in the West, it’s easy for us to think of it the duty to control something or someone, you’re responsible for your kids, or being accountable or to blame for something. , I hold you personally responsible, or maybe it’s come to mean being able to act independently without prior authorization from someone else. , it’s all up to me.

I am 100% responsible, or I take full responsibility for this. the way it typically teams seems to go in regular life is we run around prioritizing all of the things and all of the obligations we need to perform in order to achieve certain things. And one of the quick ways we put that is we got all the plates spinning.

And that’s not necessarily bad. If you’re really good at spinning plates and you doing it. You want something.

You’re responsible, you have agency. You go get it done. It’s not a problem.

But of course, coming from highly sensitive ADHD, neurodivergent, all kinds of creative but still driven brains. Here’s a definition I want you to consider while you’re thinking for this week and maybe for the rest of your life about what responsibility really might be, to have the fun play on words, consider that responsibility is your ability to respond, your own ability to respond. If you’re feeling obligated or pressured or worried about being blamed, or you’re worried about hurting someone or losing something, your ability to respond changes if you’re trying to control something totally outside of your ability to control, the shape of your body wrinkles on our face, how someone thinks of us, if our loved one is in pain, those are outside of our ability to respond to and change to some degree.

And if we are trying to be responsible for those, we are compromised, our energy, our power, is compromised. And this is a true, true across the board, whether it’s people and loved ones or your health or your bank account or your work, and especially true for the people that you have deep connections with when it comes to connection and love, things obligation and blame and worry, change our ability to show up, change our ability to respond. It is easy to focus on things that you are physically responsible for, and it’s even more sneaky and easy to be emotionally responsible for things when most of the time the only thing you are responsible for is your thoughts about the physical or emotional circumstances, what life is happening fast, though y’all that it can be really hard to piece this out.

If you want to change your ability to show up to something, change your response to something. we started to move the needle. And I gave you a very interesting, quick system to start to look at where you are being overly responsible and how to shift into this open, free, creative ability to be self responsible.

And I called it the simmer system, created by yours truly. For yours truly, think of s i m r, simmer simmer down. That’s how I have to think of it in my own head.

But s i m R stands for something. Take anything in the world, a circumstance outside of you, a person outside of you, their thoughts about you, their emotions about. You think of anything?

Maybe something’s coming up right now , Oh, I wish I could change this, or I’ve been working hard and I’m tired to change this, and I want you to first think of the s. What is the current thought or belief that you are bringing to this situation? Let’s consider that your safety.

Thought it is the go to patterned practice. Thought maybe if it’s your loved one, you think I want to help them or your kids, I want to help them fix that, or their grades, or their staying up late, or all the things that we might have to think we’re helping, or their health, or my bank account or whatever, whatever the outside thing is, we have an automatic response. See if you can notice what that thought is, I should?

I need to. Who else is going to do it? I gave you the example for me of where I can lose a lot of power.

It’s a light one is an easy one. Piles of mail, piles of piles of mail can bring me down at the end of the week, at the end of the month. If I’ve been setting some stuff in that little mail pile, what I’m talking about, I can look at it and be , Ah, this is never ending.

I’m never going to get ahead of this. I have zero power. Zero power there.

then I want you to think of the I of simmer s is the safety thought, that’s the go to I is your imagination. Thought, if you could come from pure, desired imagination, what do you want your relationship to that pile of mail, to that person’s health, to that person’s fixing something or the way they think about you. What do you want to think about it?

When it came to the piles of mail, I want to thank those piles of mail on my bitch. I am the boss of those piles of mail, something that got me more into power. Now that might be a huge jump, but I have to recognize how I feel when I’m thinking that, and how I feel when I’m thinking the first thought, to contrast how it feels one felt powerless to me, one feels powerful.

Usually, if it’s with my sweetie, my husband, or what someone thinks about me and I’m feeling angsty or worried or powerless, usually, the thought that I want to think is more powerful, more at ease, more spacious. Which brings me to the m of s, i, m, simmer. The M is the motivation.

The reason, the motivating factor why you want to shift your thought is the underlying emotion. What you’re feeling is way more important than what you’re thinking. It happens that sometimes what you’re thinking is generating what you’re feeling what look at that safe thought, notice how you feel.

Even though it’s safe, you might have some emotions there, worry, Dread, anxiety, angst, anxiousness. And then if you look at the contrast of how you want to be thinking and how that you imagine you would feel, usually, I’ll tell you, mine is powerless to powerful. That’s the shift that I’m usually trying to make, or desiring to make, from my imagination.

And this week, we had some great conversations in the club about how you can’t jump. You can’t jump to rainbows and daisies. One of my old coaches, we used to call it the river of misery, because she said, once you determine where you want to go, all kinds of emotions are going to be felt as you move toward it, vulnerability, scared, it’s going to be out of your comfort zone, because the reason you’re rethinking the safety thought over and over is because you feel good in some way safe.

the R part of simmer, s, i, m, R, safety, safety. Thought, imagination, thought, motivation, of emotion and the R is the rhythmic repetition the mantra, way of showing up to the life that you want to be living based on how you want to be thinking, based on how you want to be generating feelings and moving in that direction. It’s practice.

It can feel really mundane and boring, but I gave you all the example of going white water rafting and on the bus ride there having to repeat over and over, what do we do? We fall out of the boat, toes to nose, look for the oar grab the boat. What do we do?

Toes to nose, look for the oar grab the boat, whatever it is the guide making her her new white water rafting. People say it over and over, such that when someone falls out of the boat, when they’re in panic, their brain has a shot of offering them toes to nose, look for the oar, grab the boat. And that typically is what people say.

All I could think was toes to nose. . I did that, and then my brain thought this.

That’s a mantra way of showing up to some way you want to be when the shit hits the fan. Is it easy? No, does it come naturally?

No, am I good at it all the time? Absolutely not. That’s why we’re here, supporting each other over responsibility.

Another thing I told you this week was it is not normal to have these incredibly painful hard feelings, especially as US highly sensitive, driven creatives, but when it comes to recognizing where we’re being over responsible, it’s the painful hard feelings that are going to be what we want to notice the first the most they’re gonna help us. that helped us go into this concept called cognitive dissonance. Now the world, the typical psychology, biology, sociology, self help, even world, sometimes even spiritual world, looks at cognitive dissonance this.

I want to go exercise more, but I still don’t do it. Cognitive dissonance, your actions and your thoughts are contradictory or conflicting, or I really am trying to save money, but I went on a little shopping spree instead. Cognitive dissonance, you have something you value and you do the opposite.

that’s a fine way to use the term. But , as a highly sensitive and as an artist, as a musician, as a painter, as someone who’s out there in the world moving sensitively through the world, or if you’re highly spicy too, you might guess that we have a slightly different take on dissonance, on cognitive dissonance, because in music, we lean into dissonance. We call it color, depth, complexity, character.

When you’re painting, you don’t want pink, purple, pink, purple. I don’t even know those two colors go together, but what ? I saw pink purple, and I probably went with it.

You want some contrast, you want some depth. In music, in art, in colors, we use it on purpose. In tastes, when we’re cooking, we use complexity on purpose.

But one of the main reasons we use dissonance is because it makes the consonants, the congruence, that much sweeter. It’s easy in our art and our creativity to expand our being to want both consonants and dissonance. It’s purposely tickling your arm or something, you can feel the satisfaction of scratching an itch or purposely going out on a camping trip and being rugged.

when you come home and you get that shower and you’re all in your cozy pajamas, you’re refreshed in your life of everything that you get. let me tell you how I would you to consider cognitive dissonance, being willing to hold opposing thoughts at the same time, being willing, not because it’s right or wrong, but because it’s gonna happen anyway. You are gonna both hate someone and love them at exactly the same time.

That’s why robots are never going to take over the planet. That’s why human beings are as complex in depth as we are. We can do this.

Yes, consonance and congruence and alignment are wonderful, and of course, we want to move towards them as humans. Nothing wrong with that. But when it comes to connecting to yourself and to any other human, when it comes to falling in love with humans again, or falling in love with money or marketing or sales or exercise or wrinkles or making any change in your life, you can use dissonance, hard, painful, angsty feelings, musicians do.

You can expand to include your the wholeness of you, to hold both the consonants and the dissonance. And the more you learn to consciously do this, the more I learn to keep showing up to the tough situations in the tiny moments of them being tough as a highly sensitive, driven creator, that’s when you start to really realize your power, where you used to fear feel powerless or worried that you are never going to be able to change. You start to be with them, be with that part of you.

I gave you a little body quiz this week. I said, in your body, I want you to check in how this feels. And you got, I give it to you right now.

in your body, how does it feel when you think I am You are responsible for what someone else, a teacher or a boss or your partner or your kids, think about you? How’s that feel when you think that you’re responsible for how they think about you? register an energetic signature.

How does it feel in your body when you think you’re responsible for how your parents or your partner or your kids, how they’re emotionally doing? How’s that feel? How does it feel when something negative has happened to you?

Do you feel responsible for that thing that has happened? How does it feel when you think. You’re responsible for whether you have a romantic partner or not.

How does it feel to be responsible for your kids or your loved ones, achievements or grades? How does it feel to be responsible for the cleanliness of your house or your the organization of your basement? How does it feel to be responsible for how you look feel, that response ability, your ability to respond.

Does it make you angsty? Does it make you feel worried guilty? That’s information.

That’s dissonance. Now let’s contrast that with this. How does this feel when you think of yourself as responsible for taking ample naps every week.

How does it feel if you hold yourself responsible for taking yourself out on a date? How does it feel if you are responsible for relaxing and luxuriating as long as you want to no time frame that brings up angst in me? How does it feel if you feel responsible for buying something nice for yourself that you’ve always wanted, taking yourself on a dream vacation.

How does it feel if you consider yourself responsible for every time you walk by a mirror, giving yourself a little wink and telling you yourself how much cuter you’re getting lately, try it. Gaslighting yourself to the opposite of how you look is magic and only pays positive dividends. I have taken to in the morning going up with my hands and being , I am amazing, and I love the mornings.

It’s a bold faced lie, but it does make me feel different. Or, Oh, I really what’s happening in your jawline here. It’s looking better every day I’m responsible for that.

How’s it feel? How does it feel? Lastly, when you feel that it is your responsibility to ask for favors and ask for help from others, how’s that feel?

Is it different than the first list notice in your body? let me say that over responsibility is a learned fear response. It makes you feel you are affecting change over things that you are not able to even respond to, other people’s thoughts about you, other people’s emotional well.

Being over responsibility keeps us blind to the things that we are responsible and quite powerful with, and that, my friends, is what leaves us, especially a good, hard working women, feeling weary and defeated at the end of the days, the weeks, the months, the years. But self responsibility means you’re able to focus and prioritize the things that you are responsible exactly how you spend your time, not anybody else’s, how you hold boundaries and how you decide the expectations you have of how others treat you you are responsible for being who you want to be versus who you think other people want you to be or how you should be. And lastly, today, we had an epic implementation call where we said we recognized that we were spending this whole month with falling in love with ourselves and humans, because where we’re heading next is very practical, very business minded in the sense of selling and marketing, even if you don’t have a business, putting your message out in the world, communicating out there In the world, asking people to do something, getting people to buy into something, even if it’s I have a crazy idea for dinner and you want your husband or your wife to love your idea.

Now, going forward, after this month, we will remember that people have layers upon layers of protection that they are putting up, that they don’t even see, that they’re doing. They have wounds they are protecting. They have patterned ways of being as do we that are usually what’s interacting first, and it’s the stories that we’re carrying around, knowingly and unknown knowingly, that we call who we are in our personalities.

As we move forward, you will realize, and I will be showing you, we do not have to exploit other people’s pain points to ask them to do something or persuade them for good to do something. It is not our job to convince or get people to do anything. we are going to use the language of emotion into how we speak to our audiences, our tribes, our people, we’re going to understand depth of emotion as we move into marketing and sales.

if you want to love humans, here’s your takeaway. If you want to love humans and have them love. You back, leave the humans alone, long enough for you to be responsible for generating love.

You want to love humans, leave them alone, long enough for you to feel that love first over responsibility. Makes you feel urgent when there is no urgency, it makes you feel responsible for the wrong things, what someone else is thinking, feeling, doing, experiencing, producing, anything that’s happening in the world outside of you, you are responsible for the things you have an ability to respond to, which is what you are thinking, what you are feeling, what you are doing, what you are producing when you shift back into that every single time you come back to your power and you can make any change you want from your desire at any time. That’s leverage.

That’s fun. I also gave you the story of me having total breakdown, fetal position. Cry.

Had to pull over. I was crying hard this week. And the friend that I happened to call at that moment in time is the friend that no matter what comes out of my mouth, no matter how raw or vulnerable, she goes, Oh yeah, keep it.

I know totally understand. She doesn’t try to fix it. She doesn’t know how to coach me.

She doesn’t try to come up with an anecdote, anecdote antidote. But this time, she accidentally did, and it felt a little weird, because I was , let me talk, let me scream, cry. And then she went back to that.

But the antidote is beautiful. She has on her dresser a little figuring of a baby, another figurine of a caveman and another one of a Buddha. Because to her, that’s all we got.

We’re either in baby phase, pre verbal, emotional, and that has to, we have to let them be. Do the baby thing. We are in caveman grunting.

Let me get it out. This is what I want. This is what I don’t want.

Phase, or we’re in our Buddha phase, and those are what we’re cycling through all the time. I can give you more of that story as we pause to coach, but I will leave you with this over responsibility can lead us into chronic rigidness. And chronic rigidness is how humans break.

It’s how trees break too. I’m not saying you got to be uber flexible or let people walk all over you, but there is a very nice middle ground of flexibility and self responsibility, where you get to have a great life and still understand how to move through self doubt, you get to make progress and still never feel you’re enough. You can be figuring things out while you’re literally saying, I’m never going to figure this out.

That’s the great news. Even when you’re struggling, you can have a great life even when you’re feeling not enough, you can still be making progress. It’s a miracle we can be thinking the worst thoughts, and your life now probably looks way different than you thought it ever would when you were 20 years old.

Yes, am I right? Okay, with that, that is the recap. Oh my gosh, I talked fast.

24 minutes. Not bad. I love you.

Let’s pause there and talk to me. Tell me, with all of that, what’s coming up for you? Do.
Over_Responsibility_Cleaned.txt
Displaying Over_Responsibility_Cleaned.txt.